What I have learned in my first year of marriage

A year ago today I was lucky enough to marry my best friend. Those that read My Gretna Green Wedding blog know that we chose to elope and had an amazing week, with the minimum of planning, completely living in the present moment. We were full of love, joy and completely open to adventure. So what happened when we came home and reality hit?

Well, I learned:

To retain my sense of self - 'They,' (and I am not quite sure who 'they' are) say the first year of marriage is the hardest.  I wasn't expecting to have a period of adjustment. After all we lived together and had a family, but surprisingly, I did initially question my identity. I had spent many years since acquiring a disability learning to love and accept myself exactly who I was. I didn't want to revert from having complete acceptance to being labelled a 'wife,' and risk losing a little of myself. It was for this reason I refrained from changing my surname. I may do this in the future but I quite like the feeling of independence retaining my maiden name has given me. Of course, not many people feel the need to do this but it has been a long, hard road emotionally to get to where I am today. I make my own choices, for my own good, because I can.

Always take your partner seriously - It is awesome to feel that someone has my back no matter what I do or say and that support is wholeheartedly given back. As a writer my imagination is often in overdrive (which is why I use mindfulness so much to balance it out). I know no matter how inane the things I think or say are (and I do have some crazy thoughts) Tim will give all my fears, ideas and plans equal consideration. We never belittle each others dreams, or use them as entertaining dinner party conversation. There are enough people in the world who run you down. Love and support the one who backs you up.

Communicate. Talk, talk and then talk some more - There is a tale I tell in my classes sometimes about a couple. She asks 'would you like steak or fish for dinner?' He replies 'I don't mind.' Months later, at couples counselling she recounts this story as 'I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he said he didn't care.' 'Oh no,' he said, 'I was trying to make life easier for you. Whatever you cook is delicious and I really appreciate it.' A basic example but it is so easy to misconstrue what someone tells you. Every day we make sure we are on the same page.

Love yourself first - I wouldn't be able to love my husband as wholeheartedly as I do if I didn't love myself. Those who have issues in relationships surrounding jealously, putting each other down, being over clingy or distant need to work on their relationship with themselves. I take time each day to meditate. By practicing mindfulness I can connect with any emotions and thoughts as they arise and observe them in a non-judgemental, kindly way.  I am secure in myself and therefore secure in my relationship.

Make couple time - Urgghh, I almost didn't put this in as it is so cliched but it is so important. It's easy to stop really seeing your partner, to take them for granted. I know as parents we are often so focused on the children weeks go by and we have not really had anytime to ourselves. We diarise us time whenever we can, writing it on the calendar as if it's an appointment (but way more enjoyable). I love my husband so much I have chosen to share the rest of my life with him. It seems crazy to not schedule regular alone time. 

Make your love for each other more important than any obstacles or temptations life puts in your way. Always.

Where would the world be?

 

I wrote a short story on my fiction blog on Saturday called 'Where would the world be,' (you can read below).

If I was granted one wish in this lifetime it would be to make people a little kinder towards each other. Often it can be hard to know how, or ever when to help but I firmly believe there are small acts of kindness we could carry out almost daily. These small acts could truly enrich the lives of others and if we all led by example and paid it forward just imagine the overall effect on humanity. but, and here's the thing, everyone needs to do something.

There are those, like Janet, in the story below, who does one thing, to validate her self worth but is blinkered when it comes to others genuinely needing a bit of support, those whose second nature it is to help whenever and wherever possible and those that rarely do anything. I like to think that those who do nothing just haven't needed a random act of kindness themselves and don't understand the huge impact they could make by carrying one out.

Kindness. Let's spread it around.

 

 

Where would the world be?

‘You are good,’ said Father Brian admiring the patchwork of colour Janet had created. Containers of sweet peas, peonies and lavender bought a warmth to the cool, dark church. ‘I wish more people were like you. The world would be a better place.’

‘I do my best,’ blushed Janet.’‘See you tomorrow Father.’

Janet turned into the High Street towards home. The sound of crying sliced through her thoughts. About 40 yards ahead of her was a lone girl of around 6, her face as pink as her torn dress. Long blonde hair hung in matted clumps around her face which was sodden with tears. Blood oozed down her leg from a cut knee, staining her white ankle sock crimson.

Janet pretended to search in her bag for something as she crossed the street. It wouldn’t do to approach a child nowadays. You could be accused of anything. Anyway, she was certain the mother would turn up soon.

Outside the chemist a man hunkered down wrapped in a grimy blanket and sheets of sorrow. His face dark with dirt and loss. A shabby cap was placed in front of him, as he tried to collect loose change and hope from a world that had turned its back long ago. Avoiding eye contact Janet stepped over his dreams of a hot dinner. What was the world coming to begging in the streets? This was England for heavens sake!

At the crossroads the Big Issue seller smiled at Janet. ‘A magazine to help the homeless?’ he proffered. Janet didn’t break her stride, her gaze fixed firmly on a spot in the distance as she bustled ahead.

Turning right into Brown Street Janet was relieved to be home. As she turned her door key she could hear the fumbling of her neighbour unlocking her door.  Stepping over her threshold Janet slammed the door behind her. Old Mrs Davies always wanted a chat. ‘It’s not my problem her husband has died and her children don’t visit’, thought Janet. ‘Besides, my programme starts in 10 minutes.’

The shrill sound of the telephone shattered the silence.

‘Hello,’

‘Hello Janet. I’ve been trying you all afternoon.’

Hello Doris. It was my afternoon for volunteering at the church, doing the flowers for the service tomorrow.’

‘You are such a good person Janet. Always thinking of others.’

‘I know. But where would the world be if we didn’t all do our bit?’

Chia seed puddings

 

Chia seeds are insanely good for you. They come from the desert plant Salvia hispanics and are a great source of omega-3 fatty acids, fibre, protein and minerals. Recent research suggest that regular consumption of chia may low cholesterol and blood pressure.

I sprinkle chia over my breakfast every day.

This chocolate chia dessert feels really indulgent and is really easy to make. Chia is very filling so I get 4 desserts out of this recipe.

To make a traditional chocolate chia pudding mix 1 1/4 cups of the milk of your choice (I use my homemade almond milk) with 1/4 cup chia seeds and 2 tablespoons cacao powder and 1 tablespoon of sweetener (I use agave nectar). Give it a good mix and place in the fridge for a minimum of an hour to set (extra yummy if you leave overnight). That will give you a dessert that looks like this: -

 

However, some people do liken the texture to eating tadpoles! I like my dessert a little smoother and thicker so before eating I blend with a banana which will give you something that looks like this.

I top mine with grated homemade chocolate.

If you wish you can omit the chocolate and add some vanilla bean paste. I love this version with chopped up fruit.

Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Become a consciousness explorer

 

“Your vision becomes clear when you look inside your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” - Carl Jung

 

Mindfulness meditation has enabled me to reconnect to the inner peace inside, that contentment we are born with but lose as we develop the ability to wish things were different. We put off happiness, endlessly waiting until things are fixed, changed or improved to find our nirvana. How often have you said to yourself 'I will be happy when I get a new job/earn more money/lose 10lbs?'

External changes often don't dispel the inner gnawing discontentment and then what? Call off the search, you have everything you need within. Become a consciousness explorer. Close your eyes and wake up.

Mindfulness has been so life changing for me I completed a comprehensive teacher training programme and offer Skype coaching, 1-2-1 sessions and group courses.

Our next 8 week MBCT course commences on 8th September in Wellingborough, Northants.

 

My body is awesome

My body is awesome. 

I never used to think this way. Ironically it has only been in the last few years since acquiring a disability that I have learnt to love myself.

When I was younger I used to weigh myself every single morning and that figure on the scale would govern my entire day from how I dressed, what I ate and most importantly my mood. I used to believe the way I looked defined who I was. After all our appearance is the first thing we notice about each other and although pretty much everyone is familiar with 'never judge a book by its cover,' sadly many automatically do.

After my health circumstances changed so drastically I began to explore mindfulness as a way to cope with both the daily pain and the emotional distress a chronic health condition can bring. I reconnected to my conscious awareness, that inner peace that is present from birth. We commonly lose sight of this as we grow and develop our (often unhealthy) belief systems.  Exploring my consciousness helped me understand I am not my body. It's just a place I inhabit in this lifetime. and doesn't define who I am. We can lose pieces of our bodies, limbs, skin, one of our senses and it doesn't make us any less of a person. I call the body the ‘little me’. Me, the actual ‘big me’, is something beautifully whole, intangible and perfect.

I am grateful for the body I have and I am thankful for all it still can do. I have an extraordinary skeleton which houses all the vital organs I need that function each day for my health and wellbeing. 

My body is awesome, but you know what? So is yours.

My lovely random act of kindness surprise

"You have two hands, one to help yourself, one to help others."

Anyone who knows me, or reads my blog, understands I get more than a teensy bit excited when I hear of pay it forward stories.

Yesterday I was a recipient of a random act of kindness which instilled such a warm and fuzzy feeling, it hasn't worn off yet. Following my post stating my intention to want to write a novel I was touched to receive a gift of three books on novel writing, via amazon , from a fellow blogger. This was accompanied by a lovely note wishing me luck.

I don't know this blogger (who wishes to remain anonymous), and living on the other side of the world I am unlikely to ever meet them, but am so grateful of their encouragement.

It would be easy to paint a bleak view of our world today, hate, crime and war appear to be everywhere. Many of us live in fear, stress and uncertainty, our anxieties fuelled by the media and drip fed with every bad news story circulated.  We can make a difference. We can create our own good news stories. I blogged last year about a kindness book we have in our kitchen to encourage our children to be mindful of things they can do for others, and there is always something we can do for others, however small. 

Kindness is contagious - be a carrier.

Facing demons (last night I saw true courage)

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.” August Wilson

Last night we began teaching the first week of our mindfulness programme for recovering addicts, on behalf of the wonderful local charity STAGES.

There was a lovely guy there who was literally on the first day of his journey to live an alcohol free life. He was seeking all the support he could, fiercely determined to succeed.

We regularly hear stories about bravery, passers-by intervening in muggings or rescuing a stranger from a fire, and these acts really do deserve commendation.

We mustn't forget however, that  one of the most courageous acts we can perform is facing our fears. When we confront the demons inside we strip away everything we think we are, everything we pretend to be. We see the things we try to hide from everyone, including ourselves. 

Eckhart Tolle says in The Power of Now, “Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to — alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person — you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain”.

To let go of coping strategies, crutches, we have put in place for evading difficulties, leaving ourselves open, exposed and vulnerable can feel like the most terrifying thing in the world. When you let go of what you’re not, you find out what you are, and self-awareness is the first step towards real self love and creating a meaningful existence.

Last night I may not have witnessed a crime or seen any burning buildings but I saw true courage and feel privileged to have done so.