When to let go of a friendship that no longer nourishes you

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” Steve Maraboli

Last night I was due to have a meal out with one of my oldest friends. As our appointed hour of meeting drew closer I began to get a fluttering feeling in my stomach. Was I excited? No, the feeling was dread. I knew exactly how the evening would pan out (much the same as every other meeting over the past couple of years). We would meet. We would talk about her for three hours. I would pay the bill as “you wouldn’t believe how crazy my outgoing have been this month”. We would leave.

Recognising that this had turned into a toxic, one-sided relationship was sad but letting go of people who do not nourish your authentic self is an essential part of self-love. Healthy relationships allow both parties to grow and change. It is a natural progression that some friendships will dissipate to make way for new friends who inspire and nourish us.

Friendships are the same as any relationship, there will be ups and downs, times when one party has to support the other through hard times and times when we may feel joy and sorrow. However, if you find you are constantly compromising your happiness for the people around you it may be time to ask yourself the following questions: -

1)  How do you feel when you think about seeing this person? How do you feel when you are with them? Is your friendship all about what you can offer them or do you feel loved and supported?

2)  Are you on the same path? People join us on our journey with similar ideals but as we move ever forward recognise that we may have learned/taught all that was needed. The friendship may have come to its natural end and that’s ok. You cannot grow and not lose people along the way.

3)  Do you feel any resentment? If you friend is no longer acting the way they used to or in a way you like it can be natural to feel a degree of resentment. Holding onto bitterness is self-damaging. Forgive them for not being the friend you want, free yourself of any guilt and move on.

4)  Are you fruitlessly pursuing this friendship? Remember it takes two to make a friendship work. If you are the only one trying to keep in touch and arrange meetings it may be time to look at why. Friendships should flow and if you are the only one putting effort in it may be time to take a step back.

5)  Are you relying on friends to make you feel a certain way? There is nothing like a good night out with friends to give you a lift but remember ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. Look within rather than externally to find what you need. 

 Ultimately you know in your heart when it’s time to walk away. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care anymore but that you love yourself more.

First published on MindBodyGreen

Your New Year's Resolution should be this

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line". Lucille Ball

Are you making New Year’s resolutions? Many of us are hurtling towards 2014 with good intentions and the hope that next year we can transform ourselves into the people we want to be.

Put the brakes on; there is only one thing you need to develop next year. Self-love. Yep, it’s that simple. If we take a look at five of the most common resolutions of 2013 you will see why.

1) Eat healthily

If you practice self-love you will begin to respect your body in a way you never thought possible. Naturally you will want to fuel yourself with the cleanest foods available meaning a healthier, slimmer you.

2)  Drink less alcohol

There is nothing wrong with the odd social drink if you choose to do so but practice self-love and any excess bingeing borne out of self loathing will naturally grind to a halt.

3) Quit smoking

With self-love comes gratitude. The human body is awesome and capable of so many great things, you won’t want to potentially affect your health through cigarettes.

4) Save money

With self-love comes an inner tranquility and contentment. The need to fill time with activities or shopping to give ourselves that endorphin release becomes a thing of the past. There is happiness to be found in just Being.

5) Better work/life balance

Through self-love you learn to recognise your own value, know that it’s ok to say no, set boundaries and put your own needs first. You can be a team player at work without compromising your family and social time.

So ditch the lists, you don’t need them, or the hard time you may give yourself if your resolve weakens (a slice of chocolate cake on 2nd January does not make you a bad person). Instead, love yourself as though your life depends on it and everything else will just fall into place.

Be your own Valentine

"I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line."  Lucille Ball 

It’s that time of year again when for every girl sat at her office desk swooning over a bouquet so large the delivery driver scarcely managed to pick it up, you bet there will be 10 other girls glowering with envy.

What is it about Valentine’s Day that can have women shivering with expectation and men shaking with fear (or vice versa)?

I have friends who totally embrace the romance and celebrate whole heartedly but also know of couples who have such wildly different ideas the day inevitably ends with one, or both parties sulking in a corner. When people can’t communicate honestly regarding their ideals and expectations is it any wonder their needs aren’t met?

I used to be the worst at this. “It’s too commercialised for me; another way of extracting money by mass producing cards and novelty gifts” is what I historically said out loud in the days leading up to the 14th. 

In reality though, when it got to the actual day I would virtually be wrestling envelopes out of the mailman’s hands searching for cards. Every time the office door opened I would pray it was a florist with flowers for me.

“You expect me to cook?” I would cry in the evening. “You could have made an effort.”

Yes, I know I was unreasonable but I wanted to feel special. Growing up in a family that never mentioned the L word, I wanted validation that I was lovable through overpriced red roses and heart shaped chocolates. What I didn’t realise was that the love I was actually lacking was self-love and no amount of cuddly bears holding balloons was going to fix that.

The first year I spent Valentine’s Day as a single adult was a revelation to me. I spent half an hour on the phone listening to my friend tell me about the love letter she had received from her boyfriend listing all the things he loved about her. When I came off the phone, fighting back tears I decided to write my own love note; to myself.

I found it painfully hard but ultimately so liberating and it is now something I do every year regardless of my relationship status. I no longer place pressure on anybody (including myself) as I know I am loved (especially by me) and worth loving. These are all signed and dated and really lovely to look back on from time to time.

This is a small excerpt from last year’s letter. 

“I love myself even though I am perfectly imperfect. I love myself even though I feel down from time to time, it’s ok to not be ok. I have total trust that I can support my own emotional and financial needs and will always take care of myself. I love the way I always try to be kind to others without sacrificing my own needs.”

Why not give it a go? If you feel really uncomfortable at the thought of doing this then it really is the perfect exercise for you.

Embracing the natural look

Ok, however much I talk about, and practice self-love, self-acceptance and knowing that I am enough, I am the first to hold my hands up and say I very, very rarely leave the house without mascara on (as a minimum).  Being bought up in a family of models make-up was part of my life from a very early age and has become so ingrained into who I think I am I never stop to question why I wear it.

Last weekend we were going out to our local store to pick up something for dinner before heading off to London to see a show.  I haven't been well for a few days and my energy levels were on the floor.  Throwing on a pair of jeans and a jumper I said to my partner "I'm ready, I'm not going to put on any makeup today".  He looked at me questioningly and, with a raised eyebrow asked "are you sure"?

Now he is a pretty amazing boyfriend who was (I hope) either joking or making sure I was happy (well that's his story and he's sticking to it) but it has made me query why I feel the need to look a certain way, and, more importantly,  who do I do it for?

Is it so I will like myself more or is a misconception that others will treat me differently? I know the better I look the more confident I feel.  First impressions count and people can and often do judge by appearances.  For the days I have to use a wheelchair I am treated differently but then I do feel different so probably act accordingly.

Anyway, I have decided to bite the bullet and ditch my make up bag for a week.  I want to see how I feel, how others act towards me and try to figure out if I feel differently about myself, why that is.

So do I completely, unconditionally love myself?  I will let you know next week!