A good day out and a dollop of judgment

'What other people think of me is none of my business.'

I had a lovely day out this weekend with friend. Although we have known each other for years we generally socialise at one another's houses, where my mobility restrictions are not an issue.

We drove up to the venue we were visiting and asked for directions to disabled parking. The attendant replied 'it's for people who are disabled'. Umm yes, that would be me, with my badge clearly on display on my dashboard which I showed him. He then tried to stick his head through the open window and aggresively enquired where my wheelchair was. After pointing out my crutches he reluctantly let us through the gate.

At the other end was a gentleman directing cars into spaces. I politely asked if we could park on the space at the end or on the row near the entrance. No, we were (impolitely) told to drive to the other side of the field when there were nearer spaces.

My friend, by now, was quite upset. 'Why is everyone so rude to you?' 

It's because many people make instant judgements. I don't look like they think a 'disabled' person should look. I am not old (enough), physically deformed, there is nothing glaringly obviously wrong with me when you look at me. I make people uncomfortable. They don't understand what they can't see and therefore make snap decisions, there is nothing wrong with me, I am probably just lazy wanting to park nearer. How dare I?

When we got out of the car and headed towards the entrance the same attendant was totally different. He became really friendly and apologetic. Is this because he could see my crutches then, my obvious discomfort, something tangible he could understand?

It was interesting to witness the reaction of my friend in various situations throughout the day. I don't generally notice the judgements of others any more. I am not sure whether it is through my mindfulness practice enabling to consciously see the judgements of others and not attach to them or whether I have had so many years now of peoples reactions I am just immune to them. I no longer let the actions of others dictate how my day goes. I can't choose what others think or say but I can choose the way I react and feel, and this with compassion, both towards them and myself.

We all, often subconsciously, make judgements, an event happens, a person acts and we immediately label it as good, bad, right, wrong, better or worse. My challenge to you is to try to notice your judgements over the next 24 hours and see if you can suspend them. Let things be exactly as they are without the need for labels. I would love to hear how you get on.

Good, bad, who knows?

“Sometimes not getting what you think you want is the biggest stroke of luck”.

I had what I perceived to be a terrible day yesterday. I was left feeling extremely hurt, confused and bitterly disappointed.

I threw myself a mini pity party last night and when a friend asked me how I was, without hesitation I told him “I have had a really bad day”.

“No you haven’t” he replied “there’s no such thing as good or bad, it’s just your perception making it so”.

Hmmm, I pondered for a second. “That’s very wise, where did you get that from?” I asked.

I had to laugh when he told me I had said it in an interview I had carried out a few weeks ago.

It’s true that although we can know all the elements that, when fit together, would make life forever peaceful, we all occasionally need a gentle reminder of how to actually live them.

The good/bad/who knows analogy is one I often tell myself at the time my mind races off to create its own story in a knee-jerk reaction to a specific event. It brings me back to my centre and releases any judgement, allowing me the freedom to just let things Be, without labels.

A farmer had one old horse that he used for tilling his fields. One day the horse escaped into the hills and when all the farmer’s neighbors heard about it, they sympathised with the old man over his bad luck. “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?” said the farmer.

A week later, the horse returned with a herd of wild horses from the hills and this time the neighbours congratulated the farmer on his good luck. “Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?” said the farmer.

Then, when the farmer’s son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone agreed that this was very bad luck. Not the farmer, who replied, “Bad Luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and forced every able-bodied young man to go fight in a bloody war. When they saw that the farmer’s son had a broken leg, they let him stay. Everyone was very happy at the farmer’s good luck.

Makes you think doesn’t it? Now go back to a time where this could have applied to you. Where eventually you could see that not getting what you thought you wanted ended up being a relief. Next time something happens that you instantly label as ‘bad” remember this and don’t feel down; give it time. It could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

A modern day hero

"The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance".
Brian Tracy

You may have heard the news story this week regarding Michael Garcia, a Houston waiter who defended a 5-year-old boy with Down's syndrome.

Michael became upset when he heard a diner complaining about five year old Milo Castillo, the five year old son of a family of regulars, who has Down's syndrome. The fellow customer had already moved his table away from the Castillo's before rudely stating
"Special needs children need to be special somewhere else".

Garcia recalled the incident and his reaction in an interview with KPRC-TV.

"My personal feelings took over and I told him, 'I'm not going to be able to serve you, sir.'" Garcia continued, "He said, 'If you're not going to be able to serve us, then we'll leave.' Then I told him, 'How could you say that? How could you say that about a beautiful 5-year-old angel?'"

The disrespectful customer then left with his family.

There have been many stories this week hailing Michael a hero but sadly many others condemning the use of this word for such a 'small' action.

My understanding of a hero is; "A person, who is admired for courage or noble qualities".
In my book this describes Michael perfectly.

I choose to forgive

“Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself”.

I have just had a horrible experience.

Going out with my son for the first time in his new car (he has just passed his driving test) we parked in a disabled bay (using my eligibility badge) only to have a complete stranger come and shout at us aggressively that we shouldn’t be there.

I don’t “look” disabled apparently and if I was I would be unable to stand at all.

He then started taking photos of us and of the car and filming us. His idea was to intimidate and to a point, it worked. I wanted to remove my son from the situation as quickly as possible. Naturally he was upset knowing what I have been through health-wise and wanted to stick up for me.

So what can you do when someone intentionally tries to ruin your day?

I had various options. I could have shouted back, tried to justify myself, let my son deal with him, got upset or, as I have in the past, felt ashamed of my disability and let an experience like this put me off going out at all.

Instead I choose to forgive him. Yes he was rude, misinformed, judgemental and ignorant but this will have a greater impact on him throughout his life, far greater than he had on mine today.

Forgiveness ensures that I can let this experience go and not harbour any negative feelings surrounding it. It was unpleasant but no amount of lamenting can change it. By forgiving this man I am also forgiving myself for not reacting in a different way. I know that not dwelling on what I could of or should have done or said is far better for my emotional and physical health.

Holding on to anger and bitterness will, eventually manifest itself physically. By embracing forgiveness I am also embracing love, peace and all things good. Leaving me free to continue travelling along the road to healing unhindered. 

It is a shame that people aren’t always as compassionate and open as we would hope them to be. All I can continue to do is to treat people with the same love and respect I would like to be shown.

Be kind. Always.

Louise xx

Never judge a book by its cover

A few months ago I had a rare evening out with my partner at the theatre.  We managed to park directly outside the door and as I knew our seats were not far away I decided to be brave and leave my crutches in the car to save cluttering up the aisle.  Holding onto his arm for support we made it to our seats and for 45 minutes I completely immersed myself in the ballet and pushed my pain to the back of my mind.  During the interval I decided I needed the toilet. My partner helped me to the disabled toilet on our floor as all other toilets were down two flights of stairs.  When I came out however, there were two elderly women with walking sticks who took one look at me, jumped to completely the wrong conclusion and severely reprimanded me for having the gall to use the disabled toilets when there was obviously nothing wrong with me.  Assuming these ladies were not super-grannies withx-ray vision to see my bones, or psychic powers to sense my pain levels how could they possibly know what is or isn’t wrong with me?

Now I admit I am a rather funky looking (if I do say so myself) mum with nothing noticeably wrong with me.  I have all limbs, no disfigurements and am young, oh ok, youngish. If I am not in my wheelchair or using crutches no-one would guess I have any health problems.  However it both astonishes and dismays methat people can be so judgmental towards those with 'hidden' disabilities. 

Situations like the one above are sadly all too common, (I have frequently been shouted at using my blue badge)and the quandary is always how to react to it.  I actually do not know any language foul enough to rival the women at the theatre (who said old ladies were sweet?) and it is not in my nature to do so.  I always find education the best form of defense but sometimes you do not feel like justifying yourself to total strangers and nor should it be necessary to do so.

I did consider getting copies of my MRI scans and a brief medical history printed on flyers I could hand out when challenged but then thought this may be a tad extreme!

There are approximately 11 million disabled adults in the UK.  Out of this number less than 8%of disabled  people use a wheelchair.  As not all disabilities relate to discernible mobility problems, it can be incredibly hard to judge whethersomeone has the ‘right’ to class themselves as disabled and neither should anyone try to do so. 

So to all those narrow minded,intolerant individuals, I would say walk a mile in my shoes, but considering I can’t walk a mile in my shoes, (or any shoes for that matter), try to be more forbearing, failing that, please don’t be judgmental.

Spreading the love

Louise xx

Pondering the NHS

Mention the NHS and you generally get one of two reactions.  Either a tale of woe preceded by the inevitable tutting and eye rolling, or, occasionally, praise.  With the majority of people having an experience to draw upon, whether personally or through a family member or friend. the NHS can, at times, be a controversial conversation piece.

As a holistic therapist, and lover of all things natural I had successfully avoided doctors for 30 something years when having a car accident added to my previous health problems and I found myself unable to walk.  My local NHS hospital completed numerous x-rays, MRI scans and tests and then pronounced there was nothing they could do for me.  My consultant explained that in years past, with a scan like mine, they would have surgically intervened but as they now recognised a huge proportion of back surgery does not work they tend to leave 'well' alone where they could.  I was told to take up knitting to keep my mind off the fact I was now a wheelchair user.  I was given physiotherapy for 6 weeks before my NHS physio announced I was a waste of resources as I would never be properly on my feet again with the damage I had sustained and I was discharged.  Now that could have been the end of my story but I am stubborn and feeling I understood my spinal damage was not my only problem, a fact I felt my consultant wasn't acknowledging, I spent hours and hours obsessively googling until I found a treatment I thought might, over time, help to stabilise my pelvis and decrease my high pain levels.  Excitedly going back to see my consultant with print outs, facts and success stories I was crushed to be met with scorn when he told me I was being ridiculous, he had never heard of the treatment and it wasn't offered on the NHS furthermore I had taken up valuable appointment time which could have gone to someone he could actually help.  "Go away and stop bothering me" was not the actual phrase but I got the gist.

Momentarily deflated, but never one to give up I decided to contact all orthopaedic units of every NHS hospital hoping to find one who could offer just a little bit of positivity.  My search widened and after much negativity stumbled across Birmingham Orthopaedic Hospital who had not only heard of the treatment, they offered it and agreed to see me for a consultation. Subsequently for the past few years I have been under the care of Dr Ketkar and I can't begin to express my gratitude that he not only agreed to undertake the regular treatment I required but gave me something far more valuable than medical intervention and drugs; hope.  He has always believed in my ability to progress physically and this has made me focus fully on the positive.

Now strictly speaking when I was discharged Thursday it could have been the last I would see of him and I was expecting this news.  He had told me last month my  body has been through so much it won’t cope with any further treatments without a good long break but surprisingly he still plans to regularly assess me and knowing I have his support makes a huge difference to my mental and emotional health.  I know should any new medical procedures come out that would help me he would get in touch as he genuinely cares about his patients.

So is this a rare occurrence to find someone caring in the so called 'caring' profession?  We all know doctors and nurses work long hours with not enough resources, is it any wonder that a few become jaded.  Would my NHS physio so brutally have discharged me, crushing hope of recovery if she had a choice or were her hands bound with protocol?  Did my consultant realise, as a mother of three young boys, how his negative words and pessimistic outlook of my future would impact upon my mental health?  Was I just unlucky?   After all a poor bedside manner does not mean these people are bad at their jobs. To be a good surgeon I guess you have to be good, well, surgically, boosting someone's self esteem is probably not in the job description.  I believe this is where holistic therapists come into their own, often more nurturing, I do feel orthodox and complementary medicine can and should exist side by side covering every aspect of a person's physical, emotional and mental health.

I don't like generalisation but on the whole we can be rather judgemental.  What is it that makes us want to label everything?  NHS care can be 'bad', private care can be 'good'.  Should we, could we, be open minded and not expect long waiting lists, poor care and bad attitudes, then we may be pleasantly surprised?

If I had listened to my original consultant and used this to demonstrate my experience with the NHS I could easily have tarnished the opinions of others. Yes I was met with a distinct lack of compassion in my local hospital, but, 80 miles away I have met the most amazing team of people who go above and beyond their role

What I am trying, in a roundabout way to say is do not judge, expect or let the opinions of others cloud you.  Go into every situation and greet every person you meet with an open heart and you may just be pleasantly surprised.  

I would love to hear of your experiences.

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Spreading the love, 

Louise xx