Grieving Mindfully

I have had a quiet few months. A bereavement before Christmas left me reeling, numb to life and questioning everything. I took a step back, I stopped teaching classes and blogging.

Loss is something we all experience within our lifetime, it is impossible to live, to love, without it; but I have found grief to be oddly isolating. There are no two people who experience grief in the same way and despite being reassured by people who have also experienced a loss ‘I know exactly how you feel,’ they don’t. No one can.

I turned to Mindfulness originally after acquiring a chronic health condition as a way to manage both my physical pain and my emotional distress without medication. Suffice to say it is, again, my practice that is allowing me to explore my feelings, to practice self-compassion and to let my experience be exactly what it is without judgement. By that I mean that I have allowed myself the time and space I feel I need without self-criticism. I knew that I would return to work when, and only when, I felt ready and I feel that time is now.

I return to teaching tomorrow. We have five fully booked classes scheduled in the next four days and I am curious to see how my teaching style has changed. I am not the same person I was, my self compassion has increased tenfold and I feel this will influence the teachings I pass on.

I will continue to grieve mindfully, to explore my feelings however uncomfortable they may be.

I will continue to live.

A good day out and a dollop of judgment

'What other people think of me is none of my business.'

I had a lovely day out this weekend with friend. Although we have known each other for years we generally socialise at one another's houses, where my mobility restrictions are not an issue.

We drove up to the venue we were visiting and asked for directions to disabled parking. The attendant replied 'it's for people who are disabled'. Umm yes, that would be me, with my badge clearly on display on my dashboard which I showed him. He then tried to stick his head through the open window and aggresively enquired where my wheelchair was. After pointing out my crutches he reluctantly let us through the gate.

At the other end was a gentleman directing cars into spaces. I politely asked if we could park on the space at the end or on the row near the entrance. No, we were (impolitely) told to drive to the other side of the field when there were nearer spaces.

My friend, by now, was quite upset. 'Why is everyone so rude to you?' 

It's because many people make instant judgements. I don't look like they think a 'disabled' person should look. I am not old (enough), physically deformed, there is nothing glaringly obviously wrong with me when you look at me. I make people uncomfortable. They don't understand what they can't see and therefore make snap decisions, there is nothing wrong with me, I am probably just lazy wanting to park nearer. How dare I?

When we got out of the car and headed towards the entrance the same attendant was totally different. He became really friendly and apologetic. Is this because he could see my crutches then, my obvious discomfort, something tangible he could understand?

It was interesting to witness the reaction of my friend in various situations throughout the day. I don't generally notice the judgements of others any more. I am not sure whether it is through my mindfulness practice enabling to consciously see the judgements of others and not attach to them or whether I have had so many years now of peoples reactions I am just immune to them. I no longer let the actions of others dictate how my day goes. I can't choose what others think or say but I can choose the way I react and feel, and this with compassion, both towards them and myself.

We all, often subconsciously, make judgements, an event happens, a person acts and we immediately label it as good, bad, right, wrong, better or worse. My challenge to you is to try to notice your judgements over the next 24 hours and see if you can suspend them. Let things be exactly as they are without the need for labels. I would love to hear how you get on.

I choose to forgive

“Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself”.

I have just had a horrible experience.

Going out with my son for the first time in his new car (he has just passed his driving test) we parked in a disabled bay (using my eligibility badge) only to have a complete stranger come and shout at us aggressively that we shouldn’t be there.

I don’t “look” disabled apparently and if I was I would be unable to stand at all.

He then started taking photos of us and of the car and filming us. His idea was to intimidate and to a point, it worked. I wanted to remove my son from the situation as quickly as possible. Naturally he was upset knowing what I have been through health-wise and wanted to stick up for me.

So what can you do when someone intentionally tries to ruin your day?

I had various options. I could have shouted back, tried to justify myself, let my son deal with him, got upset or, as I have in the past, felt ashamed of my disability and let an experience like this put me off going out at all.

Instead I choose to forgive him. Yes he was rude, misinformed, judgemental and ignorant but this will have a greater impact on him throughout his life, far greater than he had on mine today.

Forgiveness ensures that I can let this experience go and not harbour any negative feelings surrounding it. It was unpleasant but no amount of lamenting can change it. By forgiving this man I am also forgiving myself for not reacting in a different way. I know that not dwelling on what I could of or should have done or said is far better for my emotional and physical health.

Holding on to anger and bitterness will, eventually manifest itself physically. By embracing forgiveness I am also embracing love, peace and all things good. Leaving me free to continue travelling along the road to healing unhindered. 

It is a shame that people aren’t always as compassionate and open as we would hope them to be. All I can continue to do is to treat people with the same love and respect I would like to be shown.

Be kind. Always.

Louise xx

Not everyone is celebrating

"Happy New Year".

Three little words that have appeared with alarming regularity in my social network feeds today. Many people have plans and have started partying already. If you are one of them, I hope you have a good night.

What of those though who haven't had such a great year? Those who have lost someone they love, be it through a passing or the end of a relationship and can't see a reason to celebrate?

I have been in this position and it can feel incredibly lonely and isolating watching (seemingly) the entire world celebrate and yet feeling separate from it yourself.

If it's your first New Year without a special someone in your life be gentle with yourself. Do what feels right to you and don't feel guilty about it. If you want to be alone don't let anyone tell you that's wrong. It can be the loneliest feeling in the world sometimes to be surrounded be people.

If someone special has passed this year, honour them by raising a glass and toasting their memory. Know they would want you to go on and be happy. To live your life to the fullest.

If you are lucky enough not to have had a loss this year be mindful of those who have. A quick phone call to let someone know they are being thought of can mean so much.

Unfortunately we don't all get the opportunity to see 2013 but for those that do allow yourself to be loved, by others and, most most importantly yourself. Treasure those who are important to you and don't put off saying what is in your heart until a "better" time. There might not be another time.

I wish each and everyone of you a Peaceful and Loving New Year.