THE greatest gift EVER

I received the greatest gift ever yesterday for Mother's Day from my children. It surpassed anything that could be found on my amazon wish list. 

If you are ever stuck for a gift idea I highly recommend you give this to your loved ones. 

The gift is time.

I don't know whether it's getting older or having a well established mindfulness practice but I appreciate every second of life in a way that I never used to. It is cliched to say "life is short, make the most of it", but developing a chronic health condition in my 30's really bought this home to me. Things that I used to take for granted I now look upon with awe and wonder.

Human beings are amazingly resilient as we navigate our way though our wonderfully unpredictable lives. It is phenomenal what we can achieve with positive thinking and gratitude.

I hope I have instilled in my children to cherish life and to never put off the things they want to do for a later date. Seeing their mum become a wheelchair user bought it home to them there is not always a later.

Happiness is a choice, and one I consciously choose every day. We had much laughter yesterday and created some special memories. Now you can't gift wrap that.

I share the poem below from J.R.R. Tolkien. Time, make the most of it, when it's gone you can never get it back.

“I sit beside the fire and think

Of all that I have seen

Of meadow flowers and butterflies

In summers that have been

Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair

I sit beside the fire and think
Of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring 
That I shall ever see

For still there are so many things
That I have never seen
In every wood in every spring
There is a different green

I sit beside the fire and think
Of people long ago
And people that will see a world
That I shall never know

But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before
I listen for returning feet 
And voices at the door.” 

Why I ran away to get married

"All you need is love, love is all you need".

I have to be honest I never thought I was the marrying kind. I was always slightly in awe of those who made the ultimate commitment to each other. I was a great believer in the sanctity of marriage but I wasn't sure it was for me. Although I could be certain of what I felt in the present moment, the next 10, 20, 30 years was a different matter and right now was all I thought I could ever guarantee. 

When my partner Tim proposed however, I had no doubts about our future. I treasure our relationship where I have total freedom to be myself. There is no judgement and we love each other unconditionally. We have found mutual support and our lives together are fluid enough to have coped with unexpected change and I am certain, if we maintain our level of communication, together we can face anything life throws at us. I wanted to honour our relationship and become his wife and therefore didn't hesitate at all in accepting. 

I am not the sort of girl who has spent years visualising her wedding, imagining the dress, the flowers and everything else you are supposed to want for your special day. I wasn't sure what I wanted but I was certain of what I didn't want. I didn’t want months of planning and stress, putting everyone else’s wants and needs before our own. I also didn’t want to be paying for it after the event. If we couldn’t afford it we would go without. We were adamant the most important part of our day would be our love and if wedding favours and table decorations didn’t feature it wouldn’t take anything away from our unwavering commitment to each other. 

It was with a feeling of trepidation we decided to sit down and pick a venue. We are no different to most couples in that we have some family complications and limited funds. Our families are based in two different locations (3 if you count us) so the first dilemma was always going to be where should the ceremony take place.

Approximately 5 minutes into the first tentative planning conversation I’d had enough. The wedding should be purely about us. We joked it would be easier to run away and get married without telling anybody. We laughed, and then we looked at each other, and then we weren't laughing anymore. Could we? Should we?

It wasn't a decision we took lightly. People have expectations when it comes to weddings. Was it selfish to put our needs first with no compromises?

We were undecided and subsequently kept our engagement secret. What would be the right thing to do? Was there such a thing as the right thing? We decided to individually make a decision then reveal them to each other and hope they matched.

Ultimately I had to ask myself two real questions.

 What did I really want?  

Used to a lifetime of following my heart I knew this was so huge my head needed to be part of the equation. I made a pros and cons list. Although I wanted to share my day with my loved ones ultimately I wanted to be Tim’s wife in a stress free, debt free, least amount of planning way as possible. 

Could I stick with my decision and be happy with it?

This really simplifies any big decision. Generally only one option (at a time) works. To acknowledge a decision has been made and it is the right one for you eliminates lots of angst. It is easy to half heartedly make a decision and then wildly yoyo between “it’s right” and “well should I? could I?”. Accepting I am happy with my decision eradicates any future “what ifs”. 

Eloping seemed the perfect choice and thankfully that was the conclusion Tim had also come to. So, we were running away then.

We called Gretna Green in Scotland to see what planning a wedding there entails and came off the phone 20 minutes later having booked the venue, registrar, hotel, florist, photographer, witnesses, a dvd and discussed our music options. Half an hour after this we had ordered wedding outfits online and that was pretty much that.  Wedding booked. Now exhale and relax.

Our wedding was beautiful in its simplicity. when Etta James sang “At Last” the words took on a whole new meaning. Not only could we apply them to our day, our love, it was also probably one of the only times either of us have wholly put ourselves totally first. Doing what we wanted rather than adapting and compromising to suit others. That in itself should be celebrated.

I don’t feel I have missed out not having a traditional day. We are all individual and what suits some would be another’s worst nightmare. For me though I had all I needed on the day. My best friend was there. I was marrying him.

You can read more about my wedding week here.

Meditation, why bother?

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”  Thich Nhat Hanh

I was speaking to a friend last week about meditation. “I can’t be bothered”, she said. “There are so many other, more enjoyable things to do”. Continuing the conversation it became clear that she filled her spare time mainly with tv and reading.  I wouldn’t criticise anyones lifestyle choices, if you have something that makes you happy then great. 

I find though we sometimes use many of our activities as a temporary distraction technique, trying to focus on something, anything, to keep our thoughts at bay. This works to an extent but awareness always creeps in when we least expect or want it. That stomach churning feeling that randomly occurs halfway through our favourite tv programme, when we start thinking about what we have to do the next day, or out enjoying time with friends when we inexplicably start worrying about the bills. That nagging, gnawing feeling that something’s missing, just won’t go away, no matter how much we try to feed it with material possessions or divert our attention away from it.

We all experience life’s highs and lows and it is natural to want to chase the highs. We may embark on a new relationship, change job and for a while feel all is well. We either relax and enjoy that feeling or experience an undercurrent of “this won’t last”, “I don’t deserve this”. Then when the temporary feeling of euphoria does gradually fade away becoming a memory, what next?

We can find ourselves back on the periphery of happiness waiting until things are fixed, changed or improved to get better again. We get caught in the cycle of “when .......... happens I will be happy”. Always waiting, life becomes a perpetual struggle.

We are not born with these feelings of dissatisfaction. They build up bit by bit gradually consuming us and disconnecting us from our conscious awareness, the inner peace that’s always present that we have forgotten we have. Rumi said “we wander from room to room searching for the diamond necklace that is already around your neck”. Call off the search; we are what we seek.

Over time we have constructed a set of conditioned responses we call upon in every situation. When an event happens we label good we fruitlessly try to hang on to that feeling. When a situation we deem bad arises we resist and try to push it away causing us untold stress. We impossibly only want the good. The truth is we are human beings not human doings and we have gotten so busy doing that many of us forget to just Be.

Life is subject to flux. It’s beautifully wild, uncontrollable and ever changing. Recognising that the only thing we can realistically control in the long term is where we focus our attention is the first step on the peace path. 

Through a regular meditation practice  it is possible to change your relationship with your mind, dispelling the negativity enabling you to reconnect to the ever loving, still, silent space within.

Try the following simple meditation: - 

1. Be comfortable, ideally sitting upright on the floor or a chair with your spine as straight as possible. If you have a health condition that makes this posture uncomfortable find a position that works for you.
2. Allow your attention to focus on your breath. This could be the air coming in and out of your nostrils or your chest or abdomen gently rising and falling.
3. Feel each in breath and out breath whilst breathing naturally - you do not need to consciously slow down your breathing.
4. When you notice you have been off thinking (which you will, this is perfectly natural) gently return your focus to the breath without judgement. (It is important to understand that everyone has thoughts when they meditate, it doesn’t make you ‘bad’ at meditating or mean it isn’t working for you).
5. Repeat this cycle for at least 10 minutes every day. Each time you meditate it will be different so start each session with no pre-conceived expectations.

So why bother? Well for me it has really cleansed my thought process. Any fear, jealousy and anxiety has been replaced by a sustainable feeling of completeness. I feel an inner serenity that’s always with me. Ultimately the only way you can find out is by giving it a go yourself.

To attend a meditation workshop or receive one to one coaching and support (also available via Skype) contact me. Next workshop date 13th July, Northamptonshire.

Good, bad, who knows?

“Sometimes not getting what you think you want is the biggest stroke of luck”.

I had what I perceived to be a terrible day yesterday. I was left feeling extremely hurt, confused and bitterly disappointed.

I threw myself a mini pity party last night and when a friend asked me how I was, without hesitation I told him “I have had a really bad day”.

“No you haven’t” he replied “there’s no such thing as good or bad, it’s just your perception making it so”.

Hmmm, I pondered for a second. “That’s very wise, where did you get that from?” I asked.

I had to laugh when he told me I had said it in an interview I had carried out a few weeks ago.

It’s true that although we can know all the elements that, when fit together, would make life forever peaceful, we all occasionally need a gentle reminder of how to actually live them.

The good/bad/who knows analogy is one I often tell myself at the time my mind races off to create its own story in a knee-jerk reaction to a specific event. It brings me back to my centre and releases any judgement, allowing me the freedom to just let things Be, without labels.

A farmer had one old horse that he used for tilling his fields. One day the horse escaped into the hills and when all the farmer’s neighbors heard about it, they sympathised with the old man over his bad luck. “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?” said the farmer.

A week later, the horse returned with a herd of wild horses from the hills and this time the neighbours congratulated the farmer on his good luck. “Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?” said the farmer.

Then, when the farmer’s son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone agreed that this was very bad luck. Not the farmer, who replied, “Bad Luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and forced every able-bodied young man to go fight in a bloody war. When they saw that the farmer’s son had a broken leg, they let him stay. Everyone was very happy at the farmer’s good luck.

Makes you think doesn’t it? Now go back to a time where this could have applied to you. Where eventually you could see that not getting what you thought you wanted ended up being a relief. Next time something happens that you instantly label as ‘bad” remember this and don’t feel down; give it time. It could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

10 reasons to LOL

"A day without laughter is a day wasted"

Charlie Chaplin

I watched a silly movie last week with my seven year old son. At one point he was rolling around the carpet, clutching his stomach, while tears of laughter rolled down his bright red face. 

In contrast to this I went to the cinema last night to see a new comedy with my partner. I found one part really funny but noticed when I started laughing out loud I immediately toned it down. Looking around I could see I wasn’t the only one stifling my natural urge to exude a huge belly laugh. My fear of drawing attention to myself sadly outweighed my natural instinct to nosily share my happiness.

I am not sure when I lost the ability to unselfconsciously roar with laughter but now I am aware of it I am claiming that right back straight away. To be able to express pure joy without any inhibitions is not only our birthright but is also darned good for us. Here’s 10 reasons why: -

1)  Laughter releases feel good endorphins into your system which can help to relieve pain.

2)  Laughter contracts your abdominal muscles and gets your shoulders moving giving you a mini-workout. 

3)  Laughter increases blood flow and improves the function of blood vessels which can help protect the heart. 

4)  Laughter has a relaxant effect on the whole body for up to 45 minutes afterwards. 

 5)  Laughter initially raises blood pressure but then reduces it leaving a lower blood pressure than normal. 

6)  Laughter can be contagious increasing happiness and intimacy thus enhancing relationships. 

7)  Laughter speeds up metabolism and heart rate which could help you lose weight. 

8)  Laughter expels more air than usual breathing which has a cleansing effect on the lungs. 

9)  Laughter reduces anxiety and helps relieve depression by reducing stress and releasing pent up tension. 

10) Laughter increases the number of T cells (antibody producing) giving your immune system a boost. 

 Wow. Next time I won't be afraid to publicly acknowledge my amusement :-)

The song that changed my life

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent” Victor Hugo

Have you ever had one of those lightbulb moments when in a flash something changes inside of you? I remember one I had many years ago as if it were yesterday. 

As a teenager I didn't know where I fitted in. I drifted from job to job, moving a lot, with no fixed place to call home. I didn't have a loving, supportive family to encourage my dreams. I felt I had no sense of direction, and no purpose. 

I was at a party one evening with the usual crowd I hung out with, drinking too much, happy on the surface and yet strangely empty inside. It was the same thing we did every weekend.

I became aware of the music. Dark Side of the Moon was the album playing. Pink Floyd were one of my favourite bands and I had heard this song so many times before and yet as the track 'Time' came on I found myself listening to the lyrics; really listening, as if for the very first time.

In an instant I felt illuminated from the inside out; becoming oblivious to my surroundings, unaware of any background noise.  There was just the music showing me how precious life is, how quickly it passes and imploring me to make every second count. 

I still didn't know what I wanted but suddenly I was certain of what I didn't want. I didn't want to waste my precious life. I didn't want to look back in 50 years time and not have achieved anything. I didn't want to be out getting drunk on a Saturday night years to come. 

22 years later and I took my son to the O2 Arena last week to see The Australian Pink Floyd.

As they played Time I became just as reflective as I had that evening long ago in the 1980's. The difference this time is as well as knowing what I don't want I am crystal clear on what I do want.

I am not so single visioned that I would bypass unexpected opportunities to get where I think I should be. It is important to be flexible and embrace change. I was thrown off my path rather harshly a few years ago following a car accident but I have managed to find new dreams that are now achievable for me. As long as I keep focused on all the positivity surrounding me, step by step, I will progressing in the right direction all the time.

For anyone feeling a little lost or unsure as to their direction I would really recommend grabbing a pen and making a list of what you don't want or need in your life. This can sometimes be the easiest starting point. Then remain open for all the miracles life will offer you, they're there everyday if you just look.  



Lyrics to Time, by Pink Floyd

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine
Staying home to watch the rain
And you are young and life is long
And there is time to kill today
And then one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun

And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter
Never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to nought
Or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desparation is the English way
The time is gone
The song is over
Thought I'd something more to say

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
When I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells

Coffee and a hug

"If you can dream it you can do it'.

Walt Disney

I remember once when I received some really horrible news I couldn't stand to be alone. I needed to get out of the house immediately and surround myself with my fellow man. With friends and family at work I headed out to my nearest coffee shop. I looked around at the other customers, some chatting, some reading, in groups or alone and although I was amongst a substantial amount of people I felt so incredibly lonely. It was a vast, impersonal place to be and leaving my cappucino to go cold I bolted for the sanctuary of home as fast as I could.

I was thrilled therefore to read about Tim's Place recently, the diner that offers Breakfast, Lunch and Hugs. 

Tim Harris was born in 1986 with Down Syndrome. His list of incredible achievements include receiving the highest margin of votes in his school's history to become Homecoming King, the accolade of being Student of the Year, attending University and winning dozens of gold medals as a Special Olympian.

Working as a host in a local restaurant Tim had a unique ability to genuinely connect with people and seeing this his family decided to sign a lease for their own diner.

The menu is simple, the most popular item being 'The Tim Hug', a fat free treat destined to make you feel better than any cream cake could.

I love this concept and can quite understand how Tim is building up such a loyal customer base; I only wish I lived nearer!

Get your creative on

“A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.” 

Antoine de Saint-Exupery 

I love it when I stumble across something that makes me go “wow” and want to take a second look. The 3d faces that Andrew Myers creates using screws certainly did that today.

California based artist Andrew takes a plywood panel then paces pages of a phone book on top. He then draws out a face and pre-drills between 8,000 to 10,000 holes by hand. Sculptor Andrew drills in the screws all at different depths using instinct rather than any computer software.

Finally he individually paints over each of the screw head so the sculpture looks like an actual portrait.

Creativity is such an awesome outlet from the stresses and strains of everyday life. Whether you can paint, write, sculpt, bake, collage etc. it is vital not to push these urges away but to honour that part of you. Ultimately this will quash any pent up frustration and lead to an energised sense of purpose. Writing a short story always gives me a sense of achievement and well-being. What’s your creative outlet?

Lessons from a robot

"Once you have learned to love you will have learned to live".

My dad, who is 66, is so conscientious he has never had a day off work (other than annual leave) in his whole life. Even if he feels under the weather he goes in as he worries about letting people down.

I was really shocked to receive a phone call from his boss this lunchtime to say he hadn't turned up and they couldn't reach him on the phone. Naturally they realised this was really out of character and were worried. Thus commenced a frantic half hour trying to trace him (he is fine) but my heart rate is still returning to normal.

I had watched the Transformers movie not long ago with my son and Optimus Prime said "the greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how they love them while they're alive". I instantly loved this quote and it made me wonder when I had last told my family and friends how much they mean to me. I mentally resolved to remedy this as soon as I could. With some people it was easy to have a hug and tell them how important they are to me, but with other, non tactile friends, I have to admit I didn't say anything as I felt, well, slightly ridiculous. What this afternoon has taught me though is that it is ridiculous not to express how you really feel while you have the chance, as ultimately we never know when we may get another opportunity.

So if any of this resonates with you please seize the moment and be honest about how you feel. If we are lucky enough to feel love and gratitude we should shout it from the rooftops.

The Poorest President

 “He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature”. Socrates

President Mujica could be living in a luxury home that the Uruguayan state provides for its leaders and living a privileged life of wealth that many of us can only dream of. Instead Jose Mujica chooses to live on a tumbledown old farm where the only source of water is an outside well and give away 90% of his salary (equivalent to $12,000 (£7,500) to charity.

By donating this amount to good causes he lives on the average Uruguayan income of $775, £485 per month.

"I've lived like this most of my life," he says.

Mujica spend 14 years in jail after spending the 1960s and 1970s as part of the Uruguayan guerrilla Tupamaros, a leftist armed group inspired by the Cuban revolution. 

Most of his detention was spent in isolation, until he was freed in 1985 when Uruguay returned to democracy.

Those harsh conditions helped define Mujica. 

"I'm called 'the poorest president', but I don't feel poor. Poor people are those who only work to try to keep an expensive lifestyle, and always want more and more," he says.

"This is a matter of freedom. If you don't have many possessions then you don't need to work all your life like a slave to sustain them, and therefore you have more time for yourself," he says.

"I may appear to be an eccentric old man... But this is a free choice."

The Uruguayan leader made a similar point when he addressed the Rio+20 summit in June this year: "We've been talking all afternoon about sustainable development. To get the masses out of poverty. But what are we thinking? Do we want the model of development and consumption of the rich countries? I ask you now: what would happen to this planet if Indians would have the same proportion of cars per household than Germans? How much oxygen would we have left”?

"Does this planet have enough resources so seven or eight billion can have the same level of consumption and waste that today is seen in rich societies? It is this level of hyper-consumption that is harming our planet."

Mujica accuses most world leaders of having a "blind obsession to achieve growth with consumption, as if the contrary would mean the end of the world".

Like many leaders not all of his policies are welcomed and supported but I think we could all learn an awful lot from this selfless and inspirational man.