Feeling out of control

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” Charles Swindoll

This weekend I have had to stop, take a deep breath and reclaim my sanity.

My son is ill. He is now into his third week off school with no clear answers as to what is wrong with him. He has been for numerous tests and I, as a holistic therapist,have been refraining from treating him until all his test results are back which will hopefully be later. Frustrating.

Feeling out of control is a horrible sensation and one which happens to us all from time to time. It is easy to know how to ‘Be’ but when it is something affecting one of my children it can be hard to view the situation through detached eyes and implement a realistic action plan to safeguard the mental and physical well-being of every member of our household. Being a Mum I feel it's my job to make sure everyone is OK and when they are not I feel a sense of responsibility that I must be the one to change that.

Whatever situation you are in, if you find yourself feeling stressed and anxious due to a perceived loss of control try the following tips, they sure have helped me get my feet back on the ground.

Accept you can’t control everything. Sometimes, with the best will in the world, it just isn’t up to you what happens.

Resist your desire for things to be a certain way. Wishing things were different is not going to change how they actually are. Ignore your expectations and put your energy into things you can actually affect.

Appreciate what’s good. No matter how bleak things seem there is always, always, always something to be grateful for.

Know everything passes. Situations and emotions are only ever temporary. Although something may seem like the worst thing in the world, be sure that this isn’t the way it will always be.

Own your feelings. We can’t always change our situation but we can change the way we feel about it. How much negative energy we waste worrying, wishing and hoping is completely up to us.

Accept we can’t always help. Don’t feel a failure if you think there is nothing you can do. There is always something you can do. Love and kindness remains an option in any given situation. 


Spreading the love
Louise xx

10 great things before breakfast

I was speaking with my cousin in Texas last night about Thanksgiving and how excited she was and I know my family Stateside will be celebrating with loved ones and enjoying the togetherness whilst devouring their veritable feast.

I woke up today feeling quite strange. I miss my family that are far away and this, coupled with the fact I haven’t been well for a while,led me to a rare case of ‘feelingsorryformyselfitis’.

At times like these I really have to make a conscious decision to practice an attitude of gratitude, so before I even got out of bed I compiled a list of ‘great things that have happened today before I even getup’.

1)   My 6 year old son came and told me he loved me.

2)   I have nettle tea to drink which will smooth my inflammation.

3)   My amazing partner bought me some breakfast.

4)   I have a nice warm comfortable bed to lie in.

5)   I can hear my family laughing in the kitchen.

6)   The sound of the rain on the window but I felt really snuggly.

7)   Friends that care, I received a text asking how I was early this morning.

8)   Our dog bought me the greatest gift ever (in her eyes) of a squeaky ball.

9)   I have the luxury of a slower start being self-employed.

10) Hugs from my children before school.

This is such a great exercise to do if you are feeling down. If 10 amazing things can happen before I get up I can easily release any (false) expectations that today may be a bad day. After all we get back what we put out there energetically. I now feel excited at the possibilities the rest of my day holds. 

One of my favourite proverbs is “give thanks for a little and you will find a lot”. It’s so true. There is always, always, always something to be thankful for. Sometimes we need to just open our eyes and see.

Don't limit kindness

Today I was fully intending to write a post centred around the fact it is World Kindness Day and suggestions of small things we could incorporate into our day to pay it forward.

However my partner and I decided to treat ourselves to lunch out after I had a rather stressful hospital appointment and met up with some good friends for a couple of hours of, what I hoped would be, lighthearted conversation and laughter.

Tragically someone decided to take their own life in the shopping centre we were at and after being evacuated we came home suitably subdued.

Although I didn't know this lady I feel such a huge sense of loss and sadness that someone can feel that despairing, that lonely despite being in a public place they feel suicide is their only option. I send sincere condolences to the friends, family and anybody touched by today's tragedy.

World Kindness Day is a beautiful concept but let's not do a good deed on a certain date and think that's enough. If we all consciously think of ways to pay it forward, it could become second nature. It can be easy to be so focused on our own 'stuff' we often don't see things right in front of us. With love, kindness and compassion we really can make a change.

Spreading the love

Louise xx

Privacy Vs Secrecy

I have always been quite a shy and private person. To be marketing The Happy Starfish the way I am at the moment is a huge leap out of my comfort zone. Appearing so publicly through my writing, the website and social networking initially made me feel very exposed and quite vulnerable but I have so much belief in the messages we are trying to spread I have no doubt I am doing the right thing.  The Happy Starfish contains a huge piece of my heart and I hope that is apparent through everything I do. If I can help one person cope with their physical or emotional pain, the way I have learnt to cope with mine, everything will be worthwhile.

I have felt a massive shift lately. The more and more transparent I get the bigger the sense of freedom I feel. There is a huge difference between privacy and secrecy and that has been a big lesson I have had to learn. It would have been ok had I not wanted to talk about my disability for privacies sake. But secrecy is something very different entirely and predominantly fear led. Keeping a secret is about hiding something from the world, separating yourself, and that takes a lot of energy. I had tried to keep my physical health hidden as, ultimately, I realise now I felt ashamed my body no longer functioned in the way I thought it should.

It is perfectly ok to be private but to lay yourself open sometimes takes courage but when there is nothing left to keep hidden, nothing to fear, it can be one of the most loving and liberating things you can do for yourself.

The next time you find yourself not wanting to reveal things it may be worth questioning. Do you want to keep it a secret and if so what do you fear?

Spreading the love

Louise xx

Belonging

I am currently away, staying with relatives in the middle of the beautiful countryside. The scenery here is stunning and it's easy to relax amongst horses, dogs and a token cat. Out of my normal routine I have lots of time to meditate and contemplate. I feel at peace here but know it is only a temporary visit. This is not where I belong but where is?

I sold my house earlier this year. After 20 years of being on the property ladder it is quite a strange feeling not to 'own' (aka owing the bank a huge sum of money) anything.

On one hand it is quite liberating to have no real ties, no commitment and to be free to go wherever I choose. On the other it can be really unsettling. As a mother I want a safe nest for my children who need some stability.

The best thing I can show them in life is that the biggest foundation, the only foundation, for building a true home is love. Releasing attachment to possessions can be one of the hardest lessons to learn, but once you understand, really understand with your heart, you can start to release the need for the 'stuff'.

Without craving the next thing or letting what you own define who you are, you naturally start to practice gratitude for all the small, organic things surrounding you. This feeling then easily makes the transition into love, which, after all, is all you need.

I hope my children can make their transition into adulthood secure in the knowledge that although circumstances change, 'things' are just temporary, happiness, real happiness can only every come from within.

Then I will be happy to watch them fly off into the world knowing that wherever they settle they will always have a 'home' straight from the heart.

Spreading the love

Louise xx

Embracing the natural look (part two)

For those who have not read my previous blog my aim was to embrace the natural look for a week to see if I felt differently about myself and if it changed the way others perceived me.

Wow, well not only did I survive my make-up free week but I actually found it a really enlightening exercise.

Although I was very aware the way I feel internally reflects externally; everyone can see when I am happy, sad etc. by my facial expressions, glow (or not) and posture, being someone who usually takes care of her appearance I hadn’t fully appreciated that the way I present myself externally would have such a dramatic effect on my internal world.

Day one was fine. To be honest it was a shut myself away and write day anyway so aside from the school run I had nothing too taxing to contend with.

Day two was a different matter.  I had a meeting with my son’s head-teacher. To be honest this is a situation I am never entirely comfortable with anyway.  Previously lip gloss would have been my shield but I had nothing to hide behind.  I regressed from a calm, confident, mother of three who runs her own business to a bumbling, inarticulate mouse who found it difficult to even make eye contact. Surviving the meeting (just) I had to console myself with the loss of my make-up bag with cake, great for my skin but not so good for my waist.  Uh oh, this experiment could well end up deflating my confidence and inflating my stomach.

As the week went on however it got easier and easier.  Mornings were great. I actually had free time to plan my day properly before the school run.

There were cases where I had to return faulty goods to a store, to negotiate buying a car for my son with a salesman and to return food in a restaurant with hairs in it (that induced a whole other trauma not relevant to this piece)! I realised that actually nobody cared whether I wore make up or not and I was treated exactly the same.  I don’t think my partner or children even noticed and in a way I felt more accepted for me than I ever had been before which made my confidence naturally soar.

In conclusion I have realised I am exactly the same person, with exactly the same capabilities however I look. That’s not to say I will abstain long term, after all it’s a girls prerogative to change her mind and I do like to dress up but once you have conquered what’s going on in the inside the outside doesn’t matter so much after all. In short what’s important with my mouth is whether it’s smiling or not, not whether it is coated in lipstick.

Spreading the love

Louise xx

Stop cleaning your house and clean your mind.

I am lucky enough to be staying with relatives this week, in a beautiful house in the middle of the Welsh countryside. 

I am completely relaxed, have no demands on me and aside the odd bit of reading and writing I am happy to just be.

Yesterday I sank into the comfiest armchair, looked out at the stunning view and before I knew it 2 hours had passed in a haze of conscious contentment.

I am feeding my body and soul with complete rest as that is what I need and deserve at the moment and I make no apologies for it.

However I do question if I would be able to do this at home. Aside from the obvious commitments many of us have to work, home and family how often do we say "I will just sit down when I have finished . . . . ", "five more minutes and I will relax".  I don't know about you but for me, five minutes never comes, I always spot something else that 'needs' doing straight away.

Previous generations had genuine reasons for keeping busy, a lack of home appliances meant keeping house was hard work.  With carpets to beat, clothes to wash by hand and wring dry and dishes to manually do, coupled with larger families to feed, meant spare time was a rare treat to be treasured.

Why is it then that with most of us having homes filled with electric wizardry to make tasks so much easier we are in fact busier than ever?

We need to accept that housework never ends, it will never be finished.  The problem is not within our homes but within our minds.  There is a huge difference between being restful and being lazy.  We need quiet time to cultivate some inner peace and ensure our bodies and minds are in alignment.

If we cleaned our minds through meditation as much as we cleaned our homes how much more rewarding would our lives be?  Rather than looking around at sparkling surfaces and floors we would have that sense of fulfilment within ourselves permanently.  How great would that be?

Of course we can say we want things to be perfect for our families, I want my home to be clean and tidy and a nice environment,  I know though that given the choice my partner would rather have a bit of mess and dust and me happy and peaceful rather than a show home and a totally worn out and stressed girlfriend.

Now put the duster down, make a drink and go sit.  Nobody will think any less off you.  Rather than obsessively looking after your home start looking after yourself, you are worth far more.

Spreading the love

Louise xx