Grieving Mindfully

I have had a quiet few months. A bereavement before Christmas left me reeling, numb to life and questioning everything. I took a step back, I stopped teaching classes and blogging.

Loss is something we all experience within our lifetime, it is impossible to live, to love, without it; but I have found grief to be oddly isolating. There are no two people who experience grief in the same way and despite being reassured by people who have also experienced a loss ‘I know exactly how you feel,’ they don’t. No one can.

I turned to Mindfulness originally after acquiring a chronic health condition as a way to manage both my physical pain and my emotional distress without medication. Suffice to say it is, again, my practice that is allowing me to explore my feelings, to practice self-compassion and to let my experience be exactly what it is without judgement. By that I mean that I have allowed myself the time and space I feel I need without self-criticism. I knew that I would return to work when, and only when, I felt ready and I feel that time is now.

I return to teaching tomorrow. We have five fully booked classes scheduled in the next four days and I am curious to see how my teaching style has changed. I am not the same person I was, my self compassion has increased tenfold and I feel this will influence the teachings I pass on.

I will continue to grieve mindfully, to explore my feelings however uncomfortable they may be.

I will continue to live.

Nobody's perfect (that's why pencils have erasers)

“If we judge people we have no time to love them”. Mother Teresa 

I am a long-term gold member of weight watchers and attend the obligatory 5 meetings a year to keep my membership active. 

At my last meeting the Leader was talking about WW headquarters and how some of the girls that work there can’t reach or stay at their target weights. Perfectly acceptable I thought. Other members of my group clearly didn’t think so.

Numerous comments were made insinuating that weight watchers shouldn’t employ staff that haven’t got their weight under control. 

It’s crazy that people think like that. No-one is infallible. I was so tempted to stand up and say “my name’s Louise, I’m a nutritional therapist and I ate too much cake’.

Yes I may know, in theory, the perfect diet, but when I developed a chronic health condition several years ago, I, as many others do, turned to food for comfort.

Of course it didn’t take long for me to accept my new, unhealthy diet was exacerbating my already high levels of pain which far outweighed any temporary high sugar was giving me. 

Getting back to the wholesome, clean food I was used to and removing any excess weight from my already inflamed joints was such a relief.

But my point is we are all human. People generally put enough pressure on themselves without others offering judgements. If we didn’t slip up we would never learn, grow and inadvertently create new opportunities in this crazy life of ours. Nobody is perfect and I for one am glad.

Are you living your best life?

“Listen--are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?  Mary Oliver

Today I feel humbled, full of blessings and more than slightly in awe of the incredible lady I met today. She is in her 60's, terminally ill, housebound and one of the most positive people I have ever met. She contacted me through the awesome charity Stages to ask if I would go to her home to teach her mindfulness. She had been reading a lot about it and was curious. I had heard her backstory before I went and aside from her ill health this lady has been through a LOT.

I feel grateful to have had the privilege to meet this lady. Although I am teaching her mindfulness over the next few weeks I have a feeling she will be teaching me far more about living. To retain dignity, hope and a sense of curiosity in such difficult circumstances was really inspirational to me.  Having a disability I do try to always focus on the things I can do, rather than the things I can't and this morning was a great reminder that you are never too old, sick or immobile to seek out a new experience and find some joy in life. Are you making the best of yours?

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” 

Oh Spirulina, you taste so bad (and smell even worse)

Spirulina, a highly nutritious micro salt plant, is ridiculously good for you. A complete protein containing all the essential amino acids, it also containing a range of vitamins and minerals. This super food has many potential health benefits including boosting the immune system and energy levels, improving digestion, controlling appetite, it supports the vital organs and, due to the chlorophyll, it is a great all round detoxer. 

To aid my health condition I have taken spirulina supplements regularly due to the high levels of the essential fatty acid gamma linolenic acid (GLA) which is proven to reduce inflammation and the iron and B vitamins help combat my fatigue.

Last time I decided to have a change from capsules and bought some powder to add to my raw juice each day. I was chatting to my son as I opened the packet and he visibly recoiled as the smell came wafting out. "Mum, you've taken health too far" he said as he slowly backed away. Sniffing the contents I had to agree he had a point.

The first time I added it to my juice didn't go well. It wasn't entirely the taste (although that was bad enough) but the stench turned my stomach every time I took a sip.

Now braver people than I may be able to add this to water and knock it back but not me so I set off on a quest to make it more palatable.

There are a myriad of recipes online all claiming to make spirulina more palatable and I have tried many. I couldn't find one which masked the smell and I found them hard to tolerate. When it came to juices the only way I found to tone down the taste was to add 2 teaspoons of apple cider vinegar. 

Next I decided to add to food. I tried David Wolfe's spirulina and chocolate ball recipe. 

¼ cup hempseed
½ cup raw cacao powder
1-2 tbsp spirulina
3 tbsp virgin coconut oil
2 tbsp raw honey
1 pinch sea salt

You mix all ingredients together, roll into balls and freeze for 15 minutes. You can eat straight from the freezer.

My husband liked these but I could still taste the spirulina, although I couldn't smell it anymore. (it is worth noting that different brands have slightly different taste and smells so it is worth shopping around to find a brand that suits you).

As a last ditch attempt before I added the powered to empty vegetarian capsules I thought I would try a smoothie. I blended almond milk with a handful of frozen berries, 2 tsp spirulina, 2 tsp cacao powder, 2 tsp flax seeds and 1 tsp agave nectar. Success - it tastes (and smells) fantastic.

I would love to know of your spirulina experiences. 

My body is awesome

My body is awesome. 

I never used to think this way. Ironically it has only been in the last few years since acquiring a disability that I have learnt to love myself.

When I was younger I used to weigh myself every single morning and that figure on the scale would govern my entire day from how I dressed, what I ate and most importantly my mood. I used to believe the way I looked defined who I was. After all our appearance is the first thing we notice about each other and although pretty much everyone is familiar with 'never judge a book by its cover,' sadly many automatically do.

After my health circumstances changed so drastically I began to explore mindfulness as a way to cope with both the daily pain and the emotional distress a chronic health condition can bring. I reconnected to my conscious awareness, that inner peace that is present from birth. We commonly lose sight of this as we grow and develop our (often unhealthy) belief systems.  Exploring my consciousness helped me understand I am not my body. It's just a place I inhabit in this lifetime. and doesn't define who I am. We can lose pieces of our bodies, limbs, skin, one of our senses and it doesn't make us any less of a person. I call the body the ‘little me’. Me, the actual ‘big me’, is something beautifully whole, intangible and perfect.

I am grateful for the body I have and I am thankful for all it still can do. I have an extraordinary skeleton which houses all the vital organs I need that function each day for my health and wellbeing. 

My body is awesome, but you know what? So is yours.

A good day out and a dollop of judgment

'What other people think of me is none of my business.'

I had a lovely day out this weekend with friend. Although we have known each other for years we generally socialise at one another's houses, where my mobility restrictions are not an issue.

We drove up to the venue we were visiting and asked for directions to disabled parking. The attendant replied 'it's for people who are disabled'. Umm yes, that would be me, with my badge clearly on display on my dashboard which I showed him. He then tried to stick his head through the open window and aggresively enquired where my wheelchair was. After pointing out my crutches he reluctantly let us through the gate.

At the other end was a gentleman directing cars into spaces. I politely asked if we could park on the space at the end or on the row near the entrance. No, we were (impolitely) told to drive to the other side of the field when there were nearer spaces.

My friend, by now, was quite upset. 'Why is everyone so rude to you?' 

It's because many people make instant judgements. I don't look like they think a 'disabled' person should look. I am not old (enough), physically deformed, there is nothing glaringly obviously wrong with me when you look at me. I make people uncomfortable. They don't understand what they can't see and therefore make snap decisions, there is nothing wrong with me, I am probably just lazy wanting to park nearer. How dare I?

When we got out of the car and headed towards the entrance the same attendant was totally different. He became really friendly and apologetic. Is this because he could see my crutches then, my obvious discomfort, something tangible he could understand?

It was interesting to witness the reaction of my friend in various situations throughout the day. I don't generally notice the judgements of others any more. I am not sure whether it is through my mindfulness practice enabling to consciously see the judgements of others and not attach to them or whether I have had so many years now of peoples reactions I am just immune to them. I no longer let the actions of others dictate how my day goes. I can't choose what others think or say but I can choose the way I react and feel, and this with compassion, both towards them and myself.

We all, often subconsciously, make judgements, an event happens, a person acts and we immediately label it as good, bad, right, wrong, better or worse. My challenge to you is to try to notice your judgements over the next 24 hours and see if you can suspend them. Let things be exactly as they are without the need for labels. I would love to hear how you get on.

My Easter Zombie Adventure

Whilst driving to lunch today I asked my husband to pull into the car park of a large retail shopping complex we were driving past. As it is Easter Sunday and all the shops are closed today I wanted to see the car park empty. We slowly drove around the deserted area whilst I pretended a zombie apocalypse was the cause for the lack of activity, making up an elaborate tale as I pictured, in my mind’s eye, exactly what could have happened.

Although my body often feels worn out, possibly more than it should at my age due to a chronic health condition, mentally I never feel any older.

I am grateful that through my mindfulness practice I can now choose to be fully present, letting my overactive writer’s mind be still, but I love the quote “you don’t stop playing when your grow old, you grow old because you stop playing“. I hope never to lose the joy I find in life.

When was the last time you played?

THE greatest gift EVER

I received the greatest gift ever yesterday for Mother's Day from my children. It surpassed anything that could be found on my amazon wish list. 

If you are ever stuck for a gift idea I highly recommend you give this to your loved ones. 

The gift is time.

I don't know whether it's getting older or having a well established mindfulness practice but I appreciate every second of life in a way that I never used to. It is cliched to say "life is short, make the most of it", but developing a chronic health condition in my 30's really bought this home to me. Things that I used to take for granted I now look upon with awe and wonder.

Human beings are amazingly resilient as we navigate our way though our wonderfully unpredictable lives. It is phenomenal what we can achieve with positive thinking and gratitude.

I hope I have instilled in my children to cherish life and to never put off the things they want to do for a later date. Seeing their mum become a wheelchair user bought it home to them there is not always a later.

Happiness is a choice, and one I consciously choose every day. We had much laughter yesterday and created some special memories. Now you can't gift wrap that.

I share the poem below from J.R.R. Tolkien. Time, make the most of it, when it's gone you can never get it back.

“I sit beside the fire and think

Of all that I have seen

Of meadow flowers and butterflies

In summers that have been

Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair

I sit beside the fire and think
Of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring 
That I shall ever see

For still there are so many things
That I have never seen
In every wood in every spring
There is a different green

I sit beside the fire and think
Of people long ago
And people that will see a world
That I shall never know

But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before
I listen for returning feet 
And voices at the door.” 

Coping with chronic pain

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”.

For the last few months my health has steadily deteriorated (my story). Increased pain and a decline in my already limited mobility has been a true test of my faith.

I don’t mean faith in the religious sense but a real challenge to the belief I have that I can manage chronic pain through a blend of meditation, mindfulness, diet and other natural methods.

It is important to me to feel in control of my condition and not the other way around. I don’t like using labels, it’s so easy to get caught up in the definition of who you think you are. 

Eckhart Tolle once said  “Once you have identified with some form of negativity, you do not want to let it go, and on a deeply unconscious level, you do not want positive change. It would threaten your identity as a depressed, angry or hard-done by person. You will then ignore, deny or sabotage the positive in your life. This is a common phenomenon. It is also insane.” This often applies to medical conditions too. It is easy to fall into the “I have ………….. and therefore I cannot ……………. and will never …………..”.

I shall never give up on trying to improve my health but I no longer try to resist it causing me further emotional distress. I have a quiet acceptance  now, a peaceful place inside of me that is always there, waiting for me to reconnect at any time, no matter what my external circumstances are.

I think only those who have experienced chronic pain can have some understanding of how it feels. That said, everyones personal journey is unique. There may not only be unrelenting pain but there can also be anger at your body for letting you down, to the universe for letting this happen, towards loved ones for not understanding instinctively. Throw in a good dose of fear into the mix “is this ever going to improve?”, “am I on a downward spiral again?”, the stress of which causes muscle tightness and pain in different areas as sensitivity is heightened. General function is then reduced further and unhelpful thoughts and emotions such as “I am a burden” surface and once you are on the negative thought train it’s hard to get off. No wonder it’s exhausting. 

I feel such gratitude for all I have learnt the past few years. As much as I love teaching my general meditation workshops I am looking forward to launching my programme for chronic pain later this year. It has been a real experience finding methods that work for me and it will be a real privilege to pass them on.

Who are you?

"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn"

Harriet Beecher Stowe

Well yesterday I had a day out with my family and actually did some walking. Some of you may know I have mobility problems (my story) and yesterday was probably the most active I have been for the past 7 years. It did get to a stage when I was in so much pain and so fatigued I couldn’t carry on and then the lovely people at National Trust sent an elderly man in a golf buggy called Derek to come and pick me up.

Derek asked what was wrong with me and when I told him he said “it’s great you’ve kept trying for so long to improve your health”. He explained many people he had known throughout his life who developed health problems eventually really become them, totally giving up on themselves.

It’s so easy to get in a situation which, if it persists over time we come to think of it as our natural state. It is often labels others put on us that we let define us “you are disabled”. Actually I am me, I just happen to have a health condition.

Friends and family can often inadvertently make us feel inferior too, often unintentionally by describing others as “the clever one”, “the pretty one”, “the funny one”, and we forget we are also all these things and more too. 

We are all beautifully unique and if we can let go of what we are not we can fully embrace what we are.

One of the meditations I like to do is really helpful (you can adapt the words to suit you).

1. Be comfortable, ideally sitting upright on the floor or a chair with your spine as straight as possible. If you have a health condition that makes this posture uncomfortable find a position that works for you.

1. Allow your attention to focus on your breath. This could be the air coming in and out of your nostrils or your chest or abdomen gently rising and falling.

1. Feel each in breath and out breath whilst breathing naturally - you do not need to consciously slow down your breathing.

1. Breathe in and gently think “I am aware of pain” (or whatever you want to work on).

1. Breathe out “I know I am not my pain”.

1. Repeat this cycle for at least 10 minutes every day. Each time you meditate it will be different so start each session with no pre-conceived expectations.

Remember you are awesome and if you are interested in finding out more about the techniques I have used to help myself check out The Happy Starfish.

Think it, believe it, become it.

"I believe in everything until it's disproved". John Lennon

I was really happy to read today that Thusha Kamaleswaran has defied the odds and is making remarkable progress in her recovery. 

Two years ago, at the age of 5, Thusha's spine was shattered by a stray bullet during a gang war. Happily playing in her uncle's shop minutes before being shot, Thusha was left fighting for her life, almost bleeding to death and having to be revived twice after suffering two heart attacks. 

The amazing thing about this story for me is the fact that despite doctors predicting Thusha would be permanently paralysed and confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life, her family made the decision NOT to tell her this.

This courageous schoolgirl has never stopped believing therefore she would walk again and is now taking steps on a treadmill with a harness. She is completely focused on being able to dance and play basketball again, never doubting that she will. Could part of her recovery be attributed to her mind not knowing that she isn't, according to doctors, supposed to recover?

When doctors originally told me there was nothing they could do for my condition and that I would have to resign myself to a life of disability and pain I wouldn't accept this. I stubbornly researched other hospitals, treatments and natural options available to me and never gave up hope. Although I am not fully recovered (yet) I am more mobile than originally predicted and, like Thusha, carry out the same gruelling physio exercises day after day, fully committed to my recovery.

The mind is such a powerful tool. I completely understand the doctors have to predict, to the best of their knowledge, what they think the future will hold for patients but, in many cases, this can be nothing more than an educated guess based on past similar cases and their knowledge of the body.

Whereas it's true that a spine is a spine, the difference is, the awesomely amazing difference, is that we are all beautifully human with unique outlooks, thought processes and coping mechanisms.

If you have been "written off" by anyone don't give up hope I say. That belief really could be the difference between succeeding or not. If you are searching for a miracle, never forget you are one.

I'm not ok (and that's ok)

Happiness can only exist in acceptance". George Orwell 

I woke up this morning, went to get out of bed and the pain was so great I virtually couldn't move.

"Are you ok" my partner asked? 

"Ummm, actually, no".

There was a time such a flare up would really have impacted upon my emotional well-being. I would be flung into a complete blind panic picturing myself never moving again resulting in my neglected children half starving in dirty clothes. 

Analysing over and over again what could have caused the set back, resisting the situation and worrying about how I would cope was absolutely the worst thing I could have done to my poor body. Heaping extra stress on already tense muscles merely exacerbated and prolonged the period of increased pain.

I would berate myself for being a burden, blame my body for not being 'normal'; not offering myself the extra love I needed to recover as quickly as possible.

Today I am perfectly calm. The timing is terrible with it being the school holidays but flexibility is paramount for a harmonious life. Realising that things happen beyond my control and it's ok not be be ok was one of the biggest lessons for me to learn, and one which took a huge amount of time.

Instead of listing all the negatives that will surround my flare up I have focused only on the positives. 

Today I am grateful for:-

1). My partner who loves me very much unconditionally.

2). My children who won't complain at a change of plans and will be happy with a day at home today.

3). To be able to do something I love (writing) without it affecting my pain levels.

4). To have money in my purse to be able to order a pizza later if needed.

5). To be sat in a warm comfortable chair looking at the snow outside. 

There is always, alway, always something to be thankful for.