When to let go of a friendship that no longer nourishes you

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” Steve Maraboli

Last night I was due to have a meal out with one of my oldest friends. As our appointed hour of meeting drew closer I began to get a fluttering feeling in my stomach. Was I excited? No, the feeling was dread. I knew exactly how the evening would pan out (much the same as every other meeting over the past couple of years). We would meet. We would talk about her for three hours. I would pay the bill as “you wouldn’t believe how crazy my outgoing have been this month”. We would leave.

Recognising that this had turned into a toxic, one-sided relationship was sad but letting go of people who do not nourish your authentic self is an essential part of self-love. Healthy relationships allow both parties to grow and change. It is a natural progression that some friendships will dissipate to make way for new friends who inspire and nourish us.

Friendships are the same as any relationship, there will be ups and downs, times when one party has to support the other through hard times and times when we may feel joy and sorrow. However, if you find you are constantly compromising your happiness for the people around you it may be time to ask yourself the following questions: -

1)  How do you feel when you think about seeing this person? How do you feel when you are with them? Is your friendship all about what you can offer them or do you feel loved and supported?

2)  Are you on the same path? People join us on our journey with similar ideals but as we move ever forward recognise that we may have learned/taught all that was needed. The friendship may have come to its natural end and that’s ok. You cannot grow and not lose people along the way.

3)  Do you feel any resentment? If you friend is no longer acting the way they used to or in a way you like it can be natural to feel a degree of resentment. Holding onto bitterness is self-damaging. Forgive them for not being the friend you want, free yourself of any guilt and move on.

4)  Are you fruitlessly pursuing this friendship? Remember it takes two to make a friendship work. If you are the only one trying to keep in touch and arrange meetings it may be time to look at why. Friendships should flow and if you are the only one putting effort in it may be time to take a step back.

5)  Are you relying on friends to make you feel a certain way? There is nothing like a good night out with friends to give you a lift but remember ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. Look within rather than externally to find what you need. 

 Ultimately you know in your heart when it’s time to walk away. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care anymore but that you love yourself more.

First published on MindBodyGreen

Never judge a book by its cover

A few months ago I had a rare evening out with my partner at the theatre.  We managed to park directly outside the door and as I knew our seats were not far away I decided to be brave and leave my crutches in the car to save cluttering up the aisle.  Holding onto his arm for support we made it to our seats and for 45 minutes I completely immersed myself in the ballet and pushed my pain to the back of my mind.  During the interval I decided I needed the toilet. My partner helped me to the disabled toilet on our floor as all other toilets were down two flights of stairs.  When I came out however, there were two elderly women with walking sticks who took one look at me, jumped to completely the wrong conclusion and severely reprimanded me for having the gall to use the disabled toilets when there was obviously nothing wrong with me.  Assuming these ladies were not super-grannies withx-ray vision to see my bones, or psychic powers to sense my pain levels how could they possibly know what is or isn’t wrong with me?

Now I admit I am a rather funky looking (if I do say so myself) mum with nothing noticeably wrong with me.  I have all limbs, no disfigurements and am young, oh ok, youngish. If I am not in my wheelchair or using crutches no-one would guess I have any health problems.  However it both astonishes and dismays methat people can be so judgmental towards those with 'hidden' disabilities. 

Situations like the one above are sadly all too common, (I have frequently been shouted at using my blue badge)and the quandary is always how to react to it.  I actually do not know any language foul enough to rival the women at the theatre (who said old ladies were sweet?) and it is not in my nature to do so.  I always find education the best form of defense but sometimes you do not feel like justifying yourself to total strangers and nor should it be necessary to do so.

I did consider getting copies of my MRI scans and a brief medical history printed on flyers I could hand out when challenged but then thought this may be a tad extreme!

There are approximately 11 million disabled adults in the UK.  Out of this number less than 8%of disabled  people use a wheelchair.  As not all disabilities relate to discernible mobility problems, it can be incredibly hard to judge whethersomeone has the ‘right’ to class themselves as disabled and neither should anyone try to do so. 

So to all those narrow minded,intolerant individuals, I would say walk a mile in my shoes, but considering I can’t walk a mile in my shoes, (or any shoes for that matter), try to be more forbearing, failing that, please don’t be judgmental.

Spreading the love

Louise xx